Archive | February, 2015

Let’s say

7 Feb

Suppose I wake up the president. Iyo ndoyakaoma hatidi kunyeperana but yes ndine twuma idea twangu! You see I am not an idiot so I will be clear kuti ndenge ndaitwa president kupi kwacho. Is it Zimbabwe,South Africa ,malawi or Zambia? Kana Burkina Faso futhi!

So the obvious answer if it’s Zambia is no thank you! Wongoita one year vokuradzika, no no I don’t want that. If it’s Burkina Faso again the answer is no. When those Africans get fed up you get reduced to some useless man almost getting into a saddam style hole. Unorohwa na bharanzi shaya dzikachena nemambama. Just ask blaise compaore. Ouagadougou inopinda chando kuita snow muequator navo vanhu vaye.

Malawi? Maybe Malawi but maPresident acho ndookungotila zvimwe chete neZambia wona. So it’s obvious let’s say ndini ndaiswa panyanga zvino uno.

I will pick ma face angu ose and brief them. All those who are here and akaita echitsaga tsaga ndoti afanoenda anoreader situation. Aika nditori ready more than.
I know who exactly will be in charge of what then I follow time time

Without wasting anytime I will go to the embassy and tell them the news officially. I will then appoint one of my connections here to be the ambassador. Right, then all logistics will be connected there from. Then toenda zvedu nedelegation yangu. Right let’s cut the trash of entry inauguration etc. let’s start with the work.
First things first , I will set up a priority list. Obviously I can’t just start by expanding roads, building an M25 round Harare blah blah blah

I will call a meeting with all bank managers including the RBZ Governor, the minister of finance and the comptroller general. I will ask them to each prepare a state of affairs report in one week. I don’t care if they use the week to steal or run away, I will ask for reports in one week. I will then gain understanding of how much we have, how it is being used and where it is being abused. After about a month we will have downloaded them all promptly.

Zimasset!zimasset. Do you even know what assets are?(kwete ma assets aye😉) . I will ask the ministry of mines, transport, labour, education foreign affairs,lands,agriculture,energy, water etc to brief us on what the assets of the state are and their values. Everything that belongs to the nation that can be quantified in money I will want a value on it. Any debts owed, any dubiously acquired loans and unexplained money,land, cars farm machinery including that grabbed from farmers, shall be classed as state assets. Hatidi kuita zvekutamba.

Hatimirire mauseless audits and edits. We shall ask each head of department to report to us directly who works for them and what they do. We will not care about qualifications at that stage. Anyone attached from president’s office or ka musoja kanozviti colonel moyo kakagara muoffice ye parastatal get out. Everyone must be matched to a specific productive task. A comparison will then be run with the government pay records. If you are not on head of department’s list, no pension, no pay in fact you get a sentence suspended pending possible prosecution. Ndati hatitambi kani!

All industry captains will be asked to come and present their cases. What do you produce? How much of it? How much of that is wage bill? How do you operate when electricity goes? Do you import anything, do you export anything? How much is executive salaries? All that will be interrogated and anyone found to run their company in a funny way will later be put under enforced forced administration.

I am not forgetting health. It’s only that all that we need there is money. I will not even be disillusioned about this one. Before I do anything I will have asked any world charity involved in health matters to come and provide anything they have. I will just appeal for any well wishers to bring anything they can. Tissue, medication,cleaning chemicals and implements. That I will just appeal for direct help.

The commissioner general, home affairs ministry, provincial officers in charge will be asked to come and present all they know about corruption in the police force. I will ask them to tell me what their plan is as individuals to reduce corruption in their ranks. Whoever has no clue anopihwa Mari ye bhazi, leaves the government car and goes where ever he came from demoted to constable. They are asked to give an undertaking of when they will have eradicated that scourge in their provinces. Hapana reverse.

My ministers will be appointed anyhow but mugrade 7 ku ministry of higher education bodo nyangwe tsvooo. ( please masmall house don’t even try this one). Then I will ask that each declares their wealth. Those already in business will have to sell or engage a trust to run their businesses for them. Non of these trust run businesses will have any government tenders directly or indirectly. Not at all.

Honestly I don’t want to run a government in fear. The culture of cio will just have to end. I will ask that the nation be ridden of those feared enemies of the people. I don’t see value in something that will make citizens, “unonyangarika”. It should be possible to run a decent government without them I am sure. If need be there will be a few reintroduced with a totally different brief than just being fierce. Soldiers……….

(Alarm ndeyangu here iyi?). Aika Kurota uku? Well well dzimwe hope dzinonaka hamawe. Maybe this is a dream or whatever but let’s say this makes sense?

Going to Zimbabwe for a few weeks

6 Feb

Right. So like every normal being you have somewhere you were born and bred than Berks, Hants,Essex or Cumbria where you are now. And you were born in Zimbabwe and that is where you dead are buried, your surviving loved ones are killing time doing that which Zimbabweans will do. Some are at some points eating madora,muboora, madhumbe, mbeva or even chicken and rice. or some are at a church gathering singing, ‘tinokudaidza ishe uyai nepano’ translated from come by here. yet some tsano is groaning under the pain of an assortment of tablets trying to reduce the effects of a devastating ailment seemingly destined to die than live to testify. With close people, some nekadheka, (dheka being a small metal bowl with a matching lead) full of what tsano misses from home.

Yah . After hearing various of similar stories for those many years you decide let me go home to my loved Zimbabwe. How much do you need, you ask. First you spend time, (waste time actually), trying to find the best ticket. The choice is basically influenced by price, how long it will take, how much luggage it allows and the like. Luggage is a very important factor. some will allow you to carry 2 bags adding to 60kg per passenger and some allow you just 30 or even 23kg. it is important to get an airline that will allow you enough kgs for you to bring mbuya Saru a suit and a dress, sekuru Kiradhiyo, a jean trousers and a cap. VaNyakutumbura a suit, shoes a coat and whiskey. Gogo also needs a dress ,shoes a matching hat a handbag yokuendesa kuchurch and, well you know how it is.

Having found the one that will allow you acceptable suitcases now the fare. Jetcost is a good site. It searches all airline fares to a given destination and you make your choice. Honestly there isnt much choice really or is there. When they tell you its cheap they mean it was £800 or there about. Gone are those days when we could fly to Harare for £248 and equivalent of £20 to Bulawayo all in less than 24 hours. So for the fair alone, prepare about £1500. If you get anything that will take you to your mum’s door mate for less then to God be the glory!

The route is not set in stone…..excuse the intended equivocation. one would think that its straight forward from London to Harare what else can it be. Because of many mischiefs, political , economic and other,there are no direct flights between the United Kingdom and Zimbabwe. The flights that will take you to somewhere in Zimbabwe somehow are; the Emirates, South African Airways, Ethiopian Airways, Kenya Airways, British Airways, Air Egypt,the Virgin Atlantic and I think I have covered the most. there used to be Airzimbabwe, the national flag bearer which is now more bust than in use.

Ethiopia Airways will take you via Rome, via Adis Ababa or via Lubumbashi. Kenya Airways have a changeover in Nairobi. Air Egypt stops over and changes in Cairo. the rest take you to Jo’burg where you change either to a Harare bound Comair,BA, SAA or the other kumusha airline. You could also be Bulawayo bound where your flights are less. There is no more a train service. That means the alternative is a bus, a kombi hitch hiking or hiring a car and self drive into Zimbabwe. Personally, my advise is when in any of these countries, keep afloat……use ndege. Dont leave yourself open to elements. And I dont mean weather. You have been warned.

If you can afford to when you get to Zimbabwe have your own mobility. know exactly where you want to be from day one to until you return. My typical month would be, day 1 I am arranging logistics, car, banking, shopping assessing what needs to be done at the house. Day 2 I am seeing those who I need to fix stuff. Day 3 I am off to the village where my brothers are and where my biological mum is rested in peace. Day 4 I am back and resting touching base with my neighbours. Day 5 I am looking for my lawyer and friend for various briefings and a traditional meal or gochigochi. Day 6 I am with the lawyer. Day 7 I am off to home where this man was raised among hills and valleys. To the cows, the goats and the chickens whose life is at danger as soon as I arrive. I am there for 3 nights and of cause I have come to collect mother. It is this visit which I combine with the memory shaking visit to the Great Zimbabwe. We are already in week 2. The rest is spent up and down the country visiting this and that.

I might squeeze a visit to the warm heart of africa. Now there lies a challenge. Guys going to Malawi from Zimbabwe is tough. As far as I know there is no airline link. My idea of safe travel is an aeroplane and or a train. There is none of the two. So its back to the worst in the order:, hitch hike,cross border trucks, chicken bus, coach, or self drive. The trip is long and unpleasant.

Anywhere after the month is over you have to come back. I am assuming you did not buy the whole people pagrowth point scud umwe neumwe yake. if you were loose with your wallet, i am sure by now you just want to head back to England or you have even called somebody for a top up.its amazing because the people there do not earn $2500 a month yet here you are a month later waa kuridza mhere 5 grand yatila.

So you have tumufushwa, tumadora,tunyimo tunzungu chibage chambuya dhoka, chino neicho. Hama yangu be careful we dont want you to star on nothing to declare. If you are to take a risk, let it be factory packaged stuff. Of cause i have come in without being searched many many times but you never know.

Passport itai shoma muite careful which one you are carrying and stick to its conditions. there are some who have both Zimbabwean (green) passport and others vakapiwa the UK  one. Please note that the uk one requires that you pay some visa fee on arrival. ukada kubira you may get yourself in trouble.

Finally on bidding Zimbabwe farewell, please dont show off. Dont be excited about nothing and start shouting at people. Twice now I have witnessed someone being helped off the airport and denied travel all for failing to control the mouth. Just let them do things their way, if it is daft, it is their daft system leave them alone. if they appear stupid to you, leave them maybe you look stupid to them too yet they not saying it loud. Its the same when you get to Heathrow. Just be a normal person who went to Africa to visit kwaChivi and is back safe. Travel well, mufambe zvakanaka, lihambe kuhle.

Tesco tesco tesco……choking on success or

1 Feb

It’s no joke to be as successful as tesco. When you get so many people spending their money in your brand than anywhere else it is as exhilarating as it is scaring. When people pride sign their properties as “near tesco” it is just a sign as a brand you mean a lot to the citizens of the country.

The same goes for anyone who is unfortunate enough to be appointed an executive manger of any description in the ranks of such a unit. There expectation is high from directors,shareholders, a huge customer base, regular suppliers and the ever demanding media.

It is not surprising that tesco was to act swiftly when some of their top managers were deemed directly responsible for overstating their expected returns. There has been many developing themes linked to tesco’s new found misfortunes. It is unbelievable that such a fly high supermarket can just wake up poorly even on the verge of death.

Some have accused the giant of over estimating their earnings by unlawfully delaying payments to suppliers? That surely can’t be true because kana njwati like me anozivawo kuti that can’t be correct in any trade. Someone has also said they have been charging firms to have their products on top shelves? It is this which prompted me to find out more on how particularly tesco stakes it’s shelves and how supermarkets work. Does it mean what is in the supermarket has some element of belonging to the supplier?

Anywhere it is success which is threatening to choke my favourite food supplier. Their shares have gone back up but still they seem set to restructure. They will put back plans for certain new shops. They are going to close certain loss makers. Their suspended development will include a shop in Basingstoke, ouch!

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