Contact lists…….

8 May

Well well, this is lighter than the wearing down effects of an election loss. This is meant for a good laugh to those who will find it funny. It’s not meant to be a joke. It is the reality of life; things that men do. Things that women do. Things done by their children too.

A story, which I believe is not true, did rounds in the Zimbabwean community in UK.  It’s said there was a man who attended one of the many zimbo parties. He met other zimbo a and befriended one guy he did not know before. Drink after drink (read as dhiringi) and  the stranger convinced my man, call him Spox to put up at his house which was just down the street. Well that’s very common is it not?

So my man Spox is a well mannered men. He will not sleep 120 miles away without informing mother, thats his wife. Let’s call her Mrs Spox. So spox calls Mrs Spox but because of the many videos and photos he has been taking the battery dies as soon as Mrs Spox says hello. Spox asks his new friend if he can use his phone to call the Mrs. Of cause Mr new friend is a good friend and gives him. So he enters the Mrs Spox’s number digit by digit and , heh? He is surprised. He cancels and enters again. Yes that’s his wife’s number, he is very sure and he calls and yes she answers. He looks again and there she is listed in Mr new friend as Hure rekuPortsmouth. (The prostitute of Portsmouth). Well the sleep over died immediately and the rest is history.

I personally have listed people in funny names too. Some friend of mine would be shocked to find she is listed in my contact list as Yabu. Besides Kiki and Fafi who are actually the names I call these guys I have no other nicknames for people. Everybody else is listed exactly how I call him or her.

I was surprised when I saw the contacts of one friend of mine. She listed me as chimbwamupengo, (rabid dog). When I asked her she just burst laughing. In writing this I asked a few friends to share some of their contact names. One cruel friend of mine says he listed an ever borrowing friend of his as shuro. Is it rabbit or hare? This he says because he used to be boastful when things were more silver lined for him. So shuro empasises his current poor position as in Shona, shuro means a rabbit or a hair, but colloquially refers to one with nothing.

Most names actually reflect secrecy. Many women list the people who they don’t want their partners to know they talk to with false names. The same goes for men. I don’t want to say it’s always the case but if you see someone listed as mdhara Susan, by your man, think. Or sekuru Lizzie? Mbuya Rosie or uncle James . The key thing is if all other names have no description why should this particular one have a description attached to it. I am not an expert so don’t fight because of my claim.

But then imagine this one, he says he has an ex- boyfriend he still speaks to. She lists him as Mai Chikomba. Hahaha please don’t look for Mai Chikomba on your partner’s phone. But there it says. The other says his small house lives in Southampton. Aika, who says they don’t know what a small house is? Maybe, but should I waste time explaining that? Anywhere , his smallhouse lives in Southampton and he lists her as M27 the motorway he uses to get to her house. Yet one lists her boyfriend as sister B…….well she is right because he is a nursing sister but hahahaha the full name would be sister Bothwell. 

My other friend is now married and even when she wasn’t married we were never in a relationship. Her husband though came into a relationship where his new girlfriend had this guy she called a friend. Obviously he was not comfortable with that. I avoid calling her now but I asked if she has listed anyone in some particular false name. She laughed and said, “yes you are listed in my phone as princess”. (Princess being my daughter).

Some at work says list his exwife as madam dragon. My cousin lists his wife by her name, and lists someone as chiDanger. He refused to tell me who that is. My teen daughter must think she has the snoopiest father ever. Once in a while I do ask her to show me her texts, her contacts and the like. I am not going to have terrible things define my daughter’s life. I have not found anything to worry me yet but some of the names she has are cryptic. No one ever calls their children that. 

One who someone met at tuku’s gig is listed as tuku.


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